Damn, these pringles do not taste good. And I love pringles. These just...well...ew.

Anyway, now that I have the most current distraction out of the way, on to some content. Ew. My peanut butter cups taste like shit, too. What is up with my taste buds today?

OK! So, i have had this topic on my mind all day, though I am not sure why. Perhaps it is because I have so many friends both from High School and beyond now that are married with kids. Perhaps it is because I recently spoke with my step-sisters, both of whom are married with kids (not to mention younger than I). Or maybe, just maybe, it is because my birthday closely approaches, I am getting older and I am starting to FEEL the societal time crunch. Lately, I have thought more about kids than I usually do. Not really surprising, seeing as how formerly, I never thought of them at all.

Thing is, I do not think I want kids. Ever. A few years ago, I thought I would naturally outgrow that feeling, as my maternal instincts surfaced. On the contrary, the older I get, the LESS I seem to want kids. Yet, the more I think about them. Ironic, eh?

Not having kids should be a perfectly valid life choice for MY life, right? Only, there is pressure not only from our peers, but also our families. I imagine I feel this pressure more acutely, because I am not only she of the child-bearing gender, but also because I am an only child. Granted, my Dad does have "grandsons," from my step-sisters, but I am betting it is not the same as his little girl having a child. My mom, though she never brings it up at all, also seems to want a grandchild.

God, I remember when I went to Kristi's wedding. I was there with Morholt at the time and most of the family knew I had been dating him for a long time. I cannot even EXPLAIN how often people asked when WE were planning to tie the knot. THAT and the kids issue really grate on my nerves. I find it incredibly rude and presumptuous for people to ask such questions, ESPECIALLY when you are BOTH standing right there. I mean, how do you answer something like that when you have barely discussed it yourself, much less ever discussed it seriously. It is not as though we had never thought about marriage and the like, but we both knew neither of us was ready to "settle down" yet.

Whatever happened to letting people run their own lives? What happened to letting a person move at their own pace? This is MY life, isn't it? Is it not inherently wrong to bear a child solely because OTHER people want you to? If you are not ready for kids, you are not ready for kids, simple as that. You should not have them until you are ready and if I am never ready, I don't feel like I should have to justify that to anyone. I know, however, that I will have to justify it to everyone, because they judge and wonder what is wrong with you.

::gasp:: How can any woman NOT want to have kids? She must have a hormonal problem. Excuse me while I roll my eyes. You know what angers me the most about it is this: So many kids, especially girls, get sucked into having kids at a young age. Sure, a lot of times, they have made a mistake, but other times, they choose to have kids very young. Then they grow up a little bit. They see what other parts of life they are missing. Like, say, their 20s. BOTH of my sisters are going through that right now. They both got pregnant in high school and both carried the children to term (subsequently marrying the fathers, lucky for them).

The shameful part is that Mary never intended to keep her first pregnancy in the first place (she is due for number 2 in September:-) She was completely serious about having an abortion. She had plans for her life and she was entering her senior year of high school She knew she was unready to be a mother and close off that portion of her life. My step-mom, Judy, a supposed devout Catholic, refused to let her. While I sympathize with her decision, I still find it a little unfair.

**NOTE - Some of you know my views on abortion. I am not trying to make an argument for or against it right now. I mean no intended offense to anyone with differing views from mine. I am more closely looking at the pressures others put on us.

Mary was pressured into keeping this child by her own mother - the mother who would not have to raise the child or give up the most proimising years of her life for it (and she also said adoption was out of the question, because "She" would never be able to live with it). Mind you, Mary loves her children, but I see in her face how depressed she is sometimes that this is where she and always will be.

Kristi, on the other hand, only recently began to feel a little resentment towards the situation she caused. In the last couple of years, she has somehow rediscovered her youth and everything that is great about being in your 20s and finding yourself. I have heard her say that she wishes she did not have those kids. I know all parents probably feel that from time to time, but there is something to be said for the fact that NEITHER of them were ready for this, yet it was thrust upon them anyway - by other people (let's not even get into the whole, if they hadnt had sex issue, mmmkay?)

I really see that as no different than people constantly questioning me and what I am doing. You know what? I am being a 20-something. I am finding myself. I am living selfishly, as any good 20-something should. I am sorry, but if I am ever going to be a good mother, I need this time to grow, right? No amount of begging me to get married and squeeze out some tots is going to change how I feel right now. It bothers me that people assume that a little persuasion is all i need, or even time.

I might never want them. Not everybody does. I get uncomfortable around kids that are not my family. I just don't know how to behave. I hate that cutesy bullshit and I don't go all gaga when I see a baby, like some women do. I think, "eh, look. It's a baby," while they basically turn into a giant throbbing ovary. I literally don't feel anything towards babies. Sure, some are cute, but for me, more than a few hours exposure and I lose my patience quickly. I know I am not alone in feeling this way, it just sucks sometimes, not knowing how to explain that to people and immediately feeling defensive when they ask. I know what is EXPECTED of me, but I have never necessarily been one to do exactly as I was expected. I have to live for me right now.