Music: Unbelieveable Truth - Forget Me

Mood: Barely stable

I have too much. Too much. I need to sleep for a long time. I need to go comatose and put a few years behind me, because these last three? Just show me how much worse life gets as you age.

I did not have the ability to carry another straw and John just broke my back by showing up. Perhaps I would have been more rational and better quipped to deal with this if I did not have such a full plate. I was not even hungry.

God, he has the worst timing ever. My reaction seems violent and irrational and it is. Mostly because I have way too much to deal with that I am not yet prepared to say out loud. Too. Much. I did not need this. This was the very last thing I wanted tonight. Naming the chat the way I did? Was definitely a fucking omen of the badness to come.

I need to go away somewhere. Somewhere where I can start everything over. My entire life. Where I can erase all my mistakes, my bad debts, my interviews, my new job, my failed romances, my lagging career, the way I look.

God, how can a career lag before it begins?

What is it about me that drives men away in droves? They adore me, downright fantasize about me and furnish much affection upon me, then poof! They run far, far away. They don't call, after begging for a number. They just leave and conveniently forget how "perfect" I was to them.

Something is wrong. Seriously wrong. With me.

Where is my life going right now? I really do not like these transition periods. They do not do my body or soul well. I am an intelligent person, yet I cannot find work in my field to save my life, which is ironic, because my life rather depends on me finding said work.

I want to give up. On all of it. Become a fucking hermit and live in a goddamn commune in Montana. Fuck that. I can't live in a commune, because that would require being around people. I just want to be far away, leave everything behind and be alone.

I want to be Forrest Gump. Start running, until I feel I have run far enough.

I want to have back surgery, so that all will be well again.