Why am I destined to crush on guys who do not crush back? Are my standards too high? Am I just not good enough?

There is a new guy, sort of, that I definitely have a mild crush on. He is the catalyst for the entry, but certainly not the cause for my gloom. Having him around doesn't help, but I can't blame him for what has been bothering me internally for a while now.

I am lonely. Simply put, that is it. I have an abundance of drinking buddies, my few close real life friends and my online family, but lately, it just is not enough. I miss falling asleep in someone's arms. I miss feet rubs when I had a hard day at work. I miss having someone stroke me hair in affection while watching TV. I miss having someone to share my quirks with/. I miss kissing.

What am I doing wrong? Do I speak my mind too often? Am I too blunt? Too cynical? Too smart? Not smart enough? Not attractive enough?

I never really found myself particularly attractve, as most people don't, but I have always been told I was a good-looking girl. Am I destined to be lonely, therefore, until I lose the extra weight I gained back after my breakup with Morholt?

Is that all there is to a relationship anymore? Looks? Can I not find someone I find attractive AND personable unless I wear a size 4 again? Every man that has openly expressed interest in me I find completely unattractive. Sure, that makes me a bit of a hypocrite, but some of these men would be phsyically unattractive even if they were slim. There is more than that, though. I don't find these men intellectually stimulating at all, and that is very important to me. I also want someone fun - someone who makes me laugh. It seems everyone I want, or have ever wanted, is out of my league or doesn't want me back. I lost Morholt, I lost John, Tristan is a whole different story altogether and every crush I have had in the last two years was completely one-sided.

People always say, "It isn't you, it's me." Most times, they are lying. So seriously, is it me? What am I doing wrong?

Do I need to behave like my former roommate Lyz, who plauyed up her now defunct bisexuality and lesbianism to atrtract guys? The same girl who, while she had large breasts and a somewhat cute face, had a very distorted figure, wore unflattering clothing and downplayed her intelligence, acting like a dumb blonde whenever we found ourselves amongst men. Do I have to play with my hair, flip it around, act like an idiot and kiss other women to get noticed?

I never used to have a problem getting noticed. Unfortunately, I never realized people noticed me. Everyone else had to point it out.

Speaking of which, I recently discovered that a high school crush I always thought was hopeless was, indeed, not. He liked me back. Always had. Was told by my BEST FUCKING FRIEND that I was not interested,. even though pretty much every knew how hard up I was for this guy. Backstabbing cunt.

Are other women sabotaging me? That is what I would LOVE to believe, because then it means I am not the problem.

I have extra pounds right now. I admit this. I am working on the problem. Why, though, should it be so hard for a girl who is supposedly so good-looking and intelligent with so much to offer to get a fucking date? Because of 30 extra pounds?

That's shit. THIS is what leads people towards anorexia, asswipes. Not giving someone an extra glance because of a little extra weight when you openly admit that they have so many other outstanding qualities is what drives me to believe I need to stop eating. I won't, because I medically cannot without falling into coma, but fucking damn, if I could, the temptation to do something so drastic might be hard to resist.

So, my crush? Adores me as a server and requests me when his high school friend, Kim, is not working. He enjoys my company and we have a great time together on Sundays for football. Yet, he has a massive crush on a different server - a crush he denies, but most others recognize and tease him about. Of course, she is my age, cute as a button, a sie fucking four and about as vapid as they come.

Meanwhile, he appears, at least as far as I know him, to be someone with whom I would have a great time. A total sweetheart, funny, smart, and attractive.

Fuck this.

Seriously, all my bullshit about not getting married? At this point, it seems I have no choice in the matter anyway, so what does my opinion matter?